This past Sunday we celebrated my grandparents’ 65th wedding anniversary (and my grandfather’s 90th birthday).
Heather made the cake, the party was in the restaurant at the senior living residence that my grandparents moved into about a year ago, and all of their children and all but one grandchild was in attendance in addition to plenty of other well-wishers. (Oh, and all of the great-grandchildren – my kids – were there too)
Achieving 65 years of anything, let alone marriage, is always a reason for celebration. And my grandparents deserve all the congratulations and respect paid to them for showing that with dedication, solid work, and a little good health (they’re both in their 90s), couples can stay together for the long haul.
Afterwards, when I was thinking about what my grandparents had accomplished, I realized two things.
First, that it looks like I am blessed with some good genes. Three of my four grandparents are still living and relatively good health. All are in the 90’s, and though they are showing their age, they still remain active and as mentally sharp as ever. The fourth grandparent, my grandfather on my mother’s side, died of a heart attach when he was in his 50’s. But from what I’ve been told, he refused to visit doctors and may have ignored early signs of the impending attack, missteps that
I do not plan on repeating. So with a little luck and proper care, I could be looking at a long and active life.
My second revelation was how much I have looked to and modeled my behavior as a husband on my grandfather. My parents separated when I was in second grade, received their divorce when I was in fourth grade. Since then my father has burned through two more marriages and my mom recently ended her second marriage. I may seek my parents counsel from time to time, but to say that I don’t consider them a reputable source for marriage advice might be an understatement.
But as a child growing up much of your behaviour and skills are learned from watching your parents. How they treat you flips around to influence how you raise your own children. How they interact with their parents (your grandparents) teaches you how you should treat them as they get older. But without my mom and dad married and living together, I didn’t have that sort of husband-to-wife role model growing up. Sure I observed my father with his two subsequent wives, but I put little stock in those relationships. First, those women weren’t my mother, so I to a certain extent I cared little about what went on with my father’s relationship with them. Callous, but true. Second, these next two marriages lasted three years and nine years respectively. Even counting my dad’s marriage to my mom, he hasn’t been married for more than nine years to any one woman. I’ve got twelve under my belt already and feel pretty happy about it too.
So who does that leave me to watch and emulate? My uncles? Sure, but that sort of interaction was limited. I don’t see my uncles every day. I don’t spend extended amounts of time with my uncles and their families. Plus, they are my dad’s brothers or brothers-in-law, my mom’s brother or brothers-in-law. They didn’t provide the direct linage that my grandfather presented. Plus, my grandparents seemed to be around all the time when I was young, doing stuff with my brother, sister, and I. Here was a man who was my dad’s dad, the man who raised my dad from a little boy, the man who tried to teach and prepare my dad to enter the world and raise his own family. Consciously or not, I started watching how this man treated his wife and what sort of relationship he maintained with her.
Granted, I wasn’t getting the full immersion that I would by living with a father and mother still married, but it was the best situation that presented itself. I realize now that I have spent my life observing my grandfather’s behaviour towards my grandmother; how they argued, how he dotted on her, how he complimented her, and I’ve been filing these observations away in order to model my own behavior towards my wife. Who knows what went on when I wasn’t around, but from what I’ve seen over the years of my grandparents they present a solid model of a happy married couple.
Sure, by the time I was old enough to start really watching and understanding what was going on my grandparents were already in their 60’s, and certain methods of human interaction work better at different times in a person’s life, but that just gave me a target to aim for. If I wanted to be happy like my grandparents seemed in their 60’s, then I needed to figure out how to get there from where I was now. Retro-fit and adapt what I saw a 70-year-old doing to make it work as a 20-year-old and then start scaling things upward as I got older.
I’ve worked in some of my own twists and customizations, of course, but I’d like to think the core of the plan is all Richard McKillip. I’m taking his base and working from that. Hopefully I’ve interpreted things correctly, because I know now that the plan might get me to sixty-five years.
If my theory proves itself out, and someday I find myself celebrating 65 years of marriage to Heather, it will be too late to thank my grandpa for helping me establish my formula for marital success. But that might not be the point, and 65 years of marriage might not be the only measure of martial success. Rather, I should be working to set the new example for Ian and any future grandchildren that may come along the way. Only then will I have really achieved the success of my grandfather.
Last Sunday morning it was my turn to get up with the kids so Heather could sleep in. When I yanked up the blinds covering one of the windows in the family room, I was surprised to see a monstrous spiderweb suspended in front of the glass.
I was kinda wild. I could walk around three sides of the web. I took photos on the front, back, and one side of the web. It’s kind hard to see the web against the light color of our house, but it was large.
I know it's only pre-season football, and the fourth and final game at that, but I'm still interested in watching a little of tonight's Chicago Bears - Cleveland Browns match-up.
Second, I'd figure Brady Quinn will get a considerable amount of playing time tonight. The fourth game of the NFL pre-season is usually reserved for rookies and third-stringers. It's their chance to prove to the coaches that they deserve a spot on the roster. I don't think the first team plays at all in the final pre-season game.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but what happened to the common driving courtesy that stipulates that a driver should turn off his high-beams when approaching a car going the other way?
